Fat chances are my favorite chances
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*me flirting
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?