Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

@FinallyHeSleeps

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

@chuuew

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@pharmasean

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

@WetzelGeek

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@TitansHomer

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.