[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
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lumberjacks will cut a birch
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Bless you
Well, that should do it
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.