[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.