Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Important reminders