Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
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If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Siri: Retweet me.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Breaking news:
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner