Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*