Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches