Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Feel. He’s so soft.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
another case of gang violins
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”