Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
You Might Also Like
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now