#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
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me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
How is it still this week?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!