[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
How it started How it’s going