fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Happy thanksgiving!
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Hey i am sexy to you now
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
me logging onto twitter
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?