Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
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wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
When your diet is finally over.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
mariah carrie
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…