Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Bike is short for Bichael.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.