FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I need this for my side hustle.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Ovenable?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
If only.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so