FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
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Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Every time.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November