FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough