FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
What’s so funny?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?