FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Happy birthday to all the women
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.