FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
(more comics:
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”