FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.