FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Taco Bell, Exit 22
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*