[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
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I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine