Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”