[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator