Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
is this a threat
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.