Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
wtf is a larm clock?