#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.