Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Body by Oreos

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

respect

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.