[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
You Might Also Like
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..