February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.