Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?