fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Yup….perfect score!
I will never stop laughing at this
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.