fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
United Steaks of America
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…