FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Meow
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”