Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
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I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business