Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My sex drive has a dui
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair