[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
This kinda thing happens to me often
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
That’s fair
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude