Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
gentlemen, hear me out
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”