Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
You Might Also Like
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.