Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Sunday
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat