Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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The government even made aliens boring
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.