feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.