Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
You Might Also Like
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.