Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

March 16

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.