Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.