*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
are they though??
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
She: I like Cats
He:
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.