Feels like there should be a middle ground
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
This rocks
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?