“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?