“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”