*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.