*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
A great tip. #CakeRex
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I have so many questions.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you